The Inquisitor's Reports
by 8ronwen
Summary: Being The Herald of Andraste comes with a few jobs Lavellan enjoys less than most: including writing professional reports to her advisers. On-going. Lavellan x Cullen. (Cover image is by cccrystalclear on tumblr. You should totally check out her blog: cccrystalclear.tumblr. (com)
1. The Hinterlands

Cullen: We don't know what you'll face before the end. This can't hurt.

Inquisitor: I can get myself out of trouble.

Cullen: You're rather good at getting yourself into it too. I've read the reports on your adventures.

**The Hinterlands**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Report 001.<em>**

Dear advisers,

Cassandra said I had to start writing these reports rather than her. Not sure how this happened, when I asked why she couldn't do it she got angry, and shouted something about 'difficult words'. Made Varric laugh though.

Anyway, here is my first report: we're going to be late to the Hinterlands. Turns out dwarves don't like hikes across the countryside. They also don't like riding horses. Varric frequently reminds us of this, lest we forget. He also complains that Hawke wouldn't have made him climb a mountain. Solas then suggested Cassandra carry him over one particularly steep slope; note the word slope, there are no mountains here. Though I wouldn't recommend pointing that out to Varric.

All members involved are now refusing to speak to each other. And that includes, sadly, all of us.

I'll make sure to keep you posted.

Yours reluctantly,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Report 002.<strong>_

Arrived at the Hinterlands yesterday. Met scout Harding. She's lovely, and doesn't seem to mind hikes across the countryside despite her Dwarfy-ness. Varric doesn't like to talk about it.

Not much else to add.

Killed some Templars.

Killed some Mages.

Killed some demons.

Oh! And I saw a dragon. So that was pretty exciting.

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Report 003.<em>**

Alright Leliana, I get your message loud and clear. The amount of explanation points in your latest report said enough. That, and the fact your messenger seemed terrified to even give me the damn thing.

I'll include more detail from now on.

We've spent the last few days helping the locals rebuild. We found some blankets, closed all nearby rifts, and supplied the refugees with ram meat. Hunting the rams' was surprisingly fun, me and Varric were keeping score until Cassandra made a noise and beat us both put together with one angry shield bash.

She also attracted a bear during the whole commotion though, so we've deducted five points on a matter of principle, meaning Varric won after all.

Turns out the seeker is a sore loser. At least Varric's black eye should clear up by the time we get back to Haven.

Yours somewhat bruised,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Report 004.<em>**

Urgent report.

Cassandra woke me up by pouring a glass of water over my head. When I asked why, she replied 'deal with it.'

Who handles formal complaints with this Inquisition? Is it you Cullen? In any case, I'm filing a formal complaint. Sharing a tent with Cassandra is the most dangerous thing I do out here.

Yours, still soaking wet,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Report 005.<em>**

I'm starting to think none of you take these reports seriously. It was urgent no matter what you all say. Have any of you ever shared a tent with Cassandra? No? Well then, don't tell me it's the least of my problems. I'm looking at you, Leliana. And yes Cullen, I don't care if it's not your department, file the report.

On a slightly less serious note, we finally managed to cut through enemy lines and meet your horse master, Cullen. He has agreed to provide the Inquisition with mounts once his terms are met. I'll explain in more detail when we're back.

Also, we've successfully convinced Mother Giselle to travel to Haven and help with the effort. I'd expect her in a few days if I were you. Not us though, we're going to be delayed again. Afraid it's my fault this time, as Cassandra repeatedly reminds me. I accidentally ate some death weed that looked suspiciously like elf root (cue one of Cassandra's noises). Solas has concocted some awful tasting medicine for me though, and expects I shall stop vomiting by tomorrow morning.

At least it means I get a tent to myself tonight. Cassandra's sharing with the boys, much to their sorrow.

Still, expect us to be delayed another two days. Varrics taking bets on how late we'll be arriving. I've got two sovereigns on five days. Feel free to send him your own bets.

Missing you all,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Report 006<em>**.

Cullen, please stop worrying. By the time I got your note I was already feeling better. Solas's drink worked a treat, despite the taste. But thank you for your concern.

And no Josephine, you cannot have three coppers on three months. For one, it's silver or nothing. And two, three months?! Do you really have such little faith in your companions?

Don't answer that.

Yours, though slightly insulted,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Report 007.<em>**

Good news!

That was a lie.

We're going to be delayed again. Solas has spotted some old elven ruins and has convinced me we need to search them. And I can hear you rolling your eyes Cullen. Don't. Bother.

It's only another day. Plus Varric surprisingly (or maybe not) hates caves almost as much as he hates hiking, so we've got that to look forward to.

To be honest, I wasn't sure the four of us would even get to the Hinterlands without one of us killing each other, but I'm starting to enjoy myself. Cassandra even woke me up with breakfast this morning, sure, it came with a swift kick to the stomach, but I could tell she was really trying.

Yours sincerely,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Report 008.<em>**

We've started the trip back to Haven. Scout Harding is even travelling with us until she and her team move on ahead for 'important scout work.' Personally, I don't think there's any important scout work, I think she just can't handle our slow pace. And she never seems to get Varric's 'Harding' jokes.

In any case, we'll be back within the week.

Expect Harding in two days.

Yours, soon to be in person,

Lavellan.


	2. Storm Coast

**The Storm Coast**

_**Report 010**_

Apologies for my tardiness, there has not been much time to write a report, keeping track of Sera is turning into a full time job. I swear the girl delights in making me sweat. But I can assure you all that we've made it to the Storm Coast with little trouble, a few bandits here and there, and a wandering mage or two, but apart from that travellers have been rare. And with good reason.

It's awful here.

Why did we have to come again? I'm struggling to recall, what with the cold and wet. It's hard enough doing this without water in my boots. My chainmail weighs twice as much when its wet you know. And it is always wet here. Always. Without fail. I promise you, while you're all enjoying that fresh mountain air, I am getting rained upon without mercy. You'd think Andraste could send a bit of sunshine our way, or does she not do that kind of thing? Maybe I'm the one who should know, being The Herald an' all.

In any case, I'm just letting you know, we're all very willing to return to Haven at any time. Extremely willing. Just give the word. Maybe your soldiers could scout the area instead, Cullen? Just a thought.

Yours soaking wet,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Report 011<strong>_

I don't know how to put it softly on paper, the bandits killed our men. I'm sorry. Despite my complaining, my joking, we did try to get there in time. Well, I suppose it doesn't matter now.

Do not worry further. The bandits will not be a problem anymore. I can assure you, and we will continue scouting for the wardens ourselves.

However, Harding has not taken the news well at all. I think she feels partly responsible. It was pretty awkward actually, I didn't know how to comfort her, and so I gave her a pay rise. Can I do that? It's done now either way, you can handle the details, Josephine.

Will send news of the wardens as soon as I receive some.

Yours,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Report 012<strong>_

After three days I've concluded that there is something decidedly magical about the Storm Coast that brings out the most childish behaviour in my companions.

More specifically – Sera.

Maybe it's the salty air, or the rain, or the wind; I couldn't possibly say, but if I thought Cassandra and Varric struggled to get along it is nothing compared to Solas and Sera. You'd think the elf thing would help move conversation, but maker forbid you so much as mention pointy ears. She glares at mine often enough. I half expect her to come out with 'knife ear' at any moment.

Not that I'm complaining... much. It was quite funny when she stuffed Solas's bedroll with lizards, and twanged his ears to wake him up. Not so funny when she stole Vivienne's underwear, or filled our tent with bees. Always with the bees. Ugh, the bees.

Despite these… setbacks, I can happily inform you that we've recruited The Chargers. You'll be receiving their bill directly, Josie (lucky you!) and Solas was extremely happy to volunteer in leading them back to Haven. Their leader, Iron Bull, will stay with us here in rainy paradise. I'm hoping he'll be a good influence on Sera.

Yours slightly worried,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Report 013<strong>_

I WAS WRONG.

By the dread wolf. Can we come back to Haven yet? Please, Leliana. We haven't found the Grey Wardens, I know, but… the two of them together. The only thing holding them back is Vivienne. Iron Bull's strangely scared of her (I think it's the hat?) but that just makes me their only target. You'd think taking point all the time would give me some kind of authority, but no, apparently not. All my armour has somehow been dyed pink, and I sleep with one eye open in fear of Sera's pranks.

It's also still raining.

Back to business, we did find some sign of the Grey Wardens, but it looks like they've moved on. Just small clues really. A few letters, some cold campfires. Nothing of significance.

Oh! I also found the human sweets one of you hid in my pack. Was it you, Josephine? Thank you. They tasted delicious, and I got to have three before Iron Bull wrestled me for the rest.

I don't know why I agreed to fight for them in the first place. They were mine.

I don't know why I thought I could win without magic either.

Yours gratefully,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Report 014<strong>_

The sweets weren't from you, Josephine? Oh. Then who put them there? I'm not even sure what you'd call them. When I asked Vivienne she sneered and said they were just butter and sugar, and a one way trip to large hips, but they tasted good enough to me.

Anyway, we are now positive the Grey Wardens have moved on, and so shall begin the trip back to Haven post haste. The weather really is starting to dampen morale, among other things. Iron Bull also says the rain makes his horns cold, yet refuses to wear a shirt. He has been a huge help though, literally, and I have high hopes for the Chargers.

Yours faithfully,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Report 015<strong>_

I didn't realise they were called toffees. Thank you, Cullen. Now if only I could get our mystery supplier to send more. Maybe your spies can find the generous culprit, Leliana?

A brief note. We're travelling back with Harding. Shes almost back to her cheery self now, but not quite, so I gave her another pay rise. I assured her you would not mind, Josephine.

See you all soon,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong>(Bonus Hinterlands Report)<strong>

_**Report 009**_

We found a grey warden wandering the woods.

I'm keeping him.

Yours,

Lavellan.


	3. The Fallow Mire

**The Fallow Mire**

**Report 016**

I'd like to take you all back to that final meeting we had before my departure. It was a sunny morning, but cold. Cook had made us his famously lumpy porridge for breakfast. Cullen, your hair was looking particularly nice, and Josephine you were wearing those earrings Leliana hadbought you in Val Royeux. Remember? Good. We'd agreed I'd take Varric _and_ Sera, just in case we have to pick lock the soldiers out and one of them couldn't do it. All was well, and then I suggested to bring Cassandra.

"I'll take Cassandra." I'd told you all in my sing song tones, cheery as always, and ignoring her immediate complaints to my left.

"Oh no! Take Dorian! About time he proved his worth." (I believe that was you Cullen).

"Yes. Take the Necromancer. He'll be the best bet against the undead for sure." (Leliana, definitely your advice there).

"Won't that leave us a little defenceless?" "No! No!" "Take the necromancer!" "You can handle it."

TERRIBLE ADVICE. Truly awful.

Seriously, you three, no warrior. We have no warrior. I've seen Cassandra get punched in the bosom by a bear and just brush it off. Sure, Varric and Sera can shoot a good four or five down before they're upon us. But what then? It's just me and Dorian. Cowering… mostly, and scrambling to time our barriers with each other.

Though you were right about the undead. They're everywhere, and Dorian is not fazed by them in the slightest. In fact he almost finds them amusing. If I have to hear 'another blighter falls' one more time I might scream.

I, on the other hand, am not so keen on our decaying company. There was just this one time with the dalish - UGH! (A series of scribbling and angry ink splotches). I just don't like them okay? On my list of things to kill they're a very low 12, only beating nugs that are simply too cute to murder.

Yours, oddly wishing Cassandra was here,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong>Report 017<strong>

Did you tell Cassandra I missed her? Did she do that thing with her mouth? Maybe we should start giving her a copy of the reports. Anyway, this swamp is never ending. And I don't know how many undead there are so stop asking, Cullen. I couldn't give you an accurate number if I sat here all day and did nothing but count. If there are five limping towards you then you can bet your right arm that another five are under water, just… waiting.

That reminds me. An arm dragged itself up to us today, missing it's bodily companion. The maggoty limb managed to climb up Dorian's leg while he was laying down some wards. I thought he'd be distressed, but the man shook hands with it and named him Jerry.

Shook hands!

Now he's tied to a piece of string to its wrist, and threatens to fling Jerry at me whenever I say no to a rest stop. I'll let that settle with you all. In any case, morale is low… for me. My morale is low. The others are fine. Varric and Sera think its hilarious. Dorian is thoroughly enjoying himself. Not sure how this happened.

Yours, now with a pet arm,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong>Report 018<strong>

**URGENT REPORT**

We think we found Jerry's body. An armless corpse has been following us for the past two days. You can't always see him, but he's there… staring. Large campfires and careful wards keep him away from us at night, but sometimes I wake up and can hear him moaning near my tent.

Now to why I need your help on this matter: we cannot decide what Jerry's body is called.

Varric insists its Cuddles.

Sera wants Lord Sleight of Hand.

Dorian suggested Handsel.

I personally like hARMLESS Joe. But you know, it's your call. Whichever you three decide. After hours of debating, we've decided to respect your decision.

Yours, armed and dangerous,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong>Report 019<strong>

Lelianna, we've been through this. If I say the report is urgent, it is URGENT. I realise paying all these couriers must cost Josephine an arm and a leg, but it's a small price to pay.

And Cullen, you were meant to pick a name, not suggest another. But fine, Handy Andy is now in the pot.

Anyway, seem as Leliana is apparently refusing to lend a helping hand (thanks Leliana) and Cullen has given us more options, I'm afraid the decision of naming now falls onto you, Josephine. Consider it a _hands on_ opportunity.

Heh. Okay, okay. I'll stop.

After following Jerry's lead, we've managed to cut a path through the swamp. It should be a lot safer for our scouts now. Good news too, we only ran into one rift the entire way. A somewhat friendly Avaar was observing it. He helped us kill the demons, then introduced himself as Skywatcher. One guess to what he does all day.

Don't really send your guesses.

But do send me a confirmation on the name. Jerry's body continues to follow us. We think it misses him. Our handy companion has made me reconsider the whole… undead thing though. They no longer seem so terrible, maybe Dorian could teach me a thing or two about necromancy?

Just something to consider.

Yours,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong>Report 020<strong>

'Just kill the wretched thing.'

Cullen, how could you be so heartless? Jerry is quickly turning into my right hand man, and you will treat him with the respect it deserves. Though it did manage to get free from its leash last night. Nearly strangled Dorian to death. Luckily he was sharing a tent with Sera at the time, and her laughter was so loud it woke the rest of us up, so we could help pry Jerry off.

Not surprisingly, Dorian seems less keen on his pet today. Not once has he tried to teach it how to high five. And he hasn't waved Jerry at its body with a merry 'woo hoo' - who is still following us, and still _nameless,_ Josephine. Don't think I haven't forgotten.

The fort is now in sight, Scout Harding believes our kidnapped soldiers are in there, along with the Avaar leader who is so interested in 'testing me.'

Is she sure they're in there? Yes.

Is she quite sure? No.

But it's good enough for me, so we're going to wait till nightfall and set out tomorrow. I know you sent Cassandra to help, Cullen, but quite frankly, I'm sick of it here, and unwilling to risk the soldier's lives after the Storm Coast.

So we're not waiting for her.

Besides, two rogues, two mages? We can handle it. How hard can breaking into a fort be?

Wish us luck,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong>Report 021<strong>

Well, that was difficult.

Not taking the fort. For the first time ever, things went as planned. The soldiers are safe and travelling back with Harding now. The Avaar 'leader' turned out to be no more than a boy (sure, a seven foot tall boy, but he was a poor fighter never the less, and was pretty distracted after Dorian hurtled Jerry at him).

No, the difficult thing was letting Jerry go. But the three of you have sent me so many letter stating I cannot keep him that you left us little choice. Besides, his body is missing him.

Dorian took him off his string, flung him in the water, and then we sat on the bank to watch the happy reunion. We waited until Jerry's body had picked him up before killing the undead. After all, it couldn't follow us forever.

Dorian shed a tear. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

Expect us back in less than a week, this will probably be the last report from Fallows Mire. Unless something comes up.

Yours, still mourning,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><strong>Report 022<strong>

**URGENT REPORT**

I forgot about Cassandra. I didn't mean to, what with the whole undead fiasco, we all forgot okay?! Apart from Varric maybe… who looked extremely amused when we ran into her yesterday, travelling to Fallows Mire alone, looking incredibly dust traveled and grumpy.

I thought she'd be pleased to hear we'd managed without her. That she could just turn around now and come straight home with us.

She was not.

I've been sharing a tent with Cassandra for a while now, and I've never known her to kick so much in her sleep. She also insists on making dinner every night, and the taste… I can't properly describe it in words. Just know she sticks to bread and water while we're choking down mystery stew, too scared to say no to a second helping.

And I thought the dead were scary. Even Sera won't play any tricks on her, and Varric is sporting a black eye after wrinkling his nose at her 'food.'

We've picked up our pace as a result. Expect us tomorrow, please don't show Cassandra any of my reports.

Yours, hungry and ill,

Lavellan.

* * *

><p><span>Notes<span>

Jeeez. I'm half ashamed at the level of stupid I can write, but then half proud at the amount of hand puns I came up with.

Sorry. You know when I started writing these reports, I got excited thinking how serious and angsty I could make them. But apparently I'm only capable of childish humor, and this is what they've mutated into.

I might write the Fallows Mire reports again. Believe it or not, I actually had it planned out in my notebook. It was a lot more serious, something about Sera hating everything. And being desperate for Cassandra to come save them. The whole Jerry and his body gag was a spur of the moment decision, and I went with it just because I love puns.


End file.
